Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i just had sex bonerless
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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