i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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