I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
We are two peas in an std pod
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
