At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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