I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
