hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Gay?
German.
Pity.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Randomize
