Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
why is half of my head shaved?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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