I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
