My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
