And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
