a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
