You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
