He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
