I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I just found puke in my bra..
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
