Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
