What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
