3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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