I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
