Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
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