just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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