maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
