true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Come on in and take your pants off
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