just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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