Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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