I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
