i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I made him laugh his dick is mine
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