I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
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