You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Dear god my vagina.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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