This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
there was a trapeze. enough said
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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