Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
