I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
