I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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