Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
