my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
