i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
