hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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