i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
