And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
