I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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