I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Randomize
