Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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