i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
