ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
