She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
