Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Randomize
