Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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