I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
