so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
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