i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
