Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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